Intel posted its fastest revenue growth in almost fifteen years this week, and the stock still fell. Goldman called its response “candid,” which in analyst-speak usually means “we are not going to pretend this is simple.” Nobody’s disputing the number — they’re disputing what it buys you. A decade ago, 25% revenue growth was the whole story. Now it’s a line item next to “is this AI-driven demand structural, or one big pre-buy before Nvidia eats your lunch,” and the market apparently decided to price the second question first.

I keep turning that over next to Jamie Dimon “confirming” this week that he wants five specific stocks, not the market — a headline that lands a little funny given Dimon spent the last two weeks calling this a casino nobody should buy at current prices. JPMorgan just posted the highest quarterly bank profit in US history, a good chunk of it trading fees generated by the same casino. This isn’t hypocrisy, exactly — the house has never needed the table to be a good bet, just busy. Dimon gets to warn about froth and bank the vig on the froth in the same earnings call, and both halves are true.

Small thing that made me laugh separately: CBS branded the lettuce parasite outbreak “lettuce-gate.” Every scandal is contractually required to end in -gate now, meaning invoked whether or not anyone covered anything up. Except this time someone reportedly did — Taylor Farms called the White House trying to delay the recall. So, for once, actually earning the suffix.

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